Adrainna

You know I could go my whole life without hearing "Are you doing okay" or "How are you holding up dear?" again.

I don't know why people ask those questions because they do not want a honest answer. They want us to seem stoic, strong and willing to carry on instead of the ball of misery that you are. I think this may them comfort or maybe an ease to their guilt for not being able to do more, I don't really know.

Now don't get me wrong I'm so ever so grateful for your support and I don't think I would be able to do it without you guys.
I also know that most of you aren't close to me in real life so you comment to show you care and I am so thankful for that!

I am talking about real live people standing in front of me who apparently can't come up with something other to say except that they are sorry or ask how I am.
And if I try to tell them how I am they get uncomfortable and make an excuse to leave the conversation. That hurts like no other thing in the world, being abandoned in your time of need and feeling utterly alone. Left standing there thinking you don't matter, that your feelings don't matter and that these people who said they cared don't.

It is already a lot to be going through and then that happens.

I just lost someone I love and those people  just managed to make me feel worse but I can't let anyone down I don't break down, I don't lose control I remain stoic, remain strong and show them that we will carry on.

I scream, kick and cry on the inside but I can't let anyone know my true feelings because that just drives them away.
No one wants to know what your going through so don't tell them.
And when it happens to them you pay them in kind by saying "How are you doing?" and let them see what exactly that phrase doesn't mean.

But I don't do that, go ahead tell me I want a honest answer because I have been there and I don't want you to go through what I have.
I want to be the change and if I have the light to fight the shadows in their lives then I won't hide it away like the ones before.
Because I am sick of this culture of not telling.

So tell me, I am here to listen
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This below is my feelings and an answer to that question


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"How are you doing?"

Not good I can't sleep and I can't keep track of the days so I forget things causing people to be mad at me. Also I don't feel as sad as I think I should and this worries me but I guess it is because I said my goodbyes over five years ago when he started using drugs and refused help.
Though I do get hit with these moods where little things make me sad and I end up crying, that stinks because it usually happens when everyone else is asleep and I'm alone but all I want is a hug, to be held and told it will be okay but they are living their normal lives. Because for them time moves on and I am left trying to find the path back to a normal life. But it is hard to see the path in this darkness, I have one light and that is my husband who has been so loving and caring but he is just one torch in the night so even with him it is hard to pierce the night. But dawn will eventually break and I will find my way but till then I will continue to fumble around in the dark and cling to the hope of a dawn.

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Here is a beautiful song that I can't stop listening to and is helping me through
www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiwK5J…


As always I love you my watchers, thank you for putting up with me

It has been 5 years since my father passed, 3 years since my grandpa (dad's dad) passed and now today I received word that my little brother has joined them......
Now I'm not going to lie my brother was troubled in many ways (drugs being the big one) but he didn't deserve to die alone like he did, I just wish someone was with him.......

Needless to say I may be away from dA for awhile  while my family and I wrap our heads around this tragedy so bear with me okay?



Moving on.....
Anyone in Oklahoma and other areas affected by the terrible storms I hope you are okay and being safe!
I love you guys and I hope you all are ok

A list of my current obsessions

Attack on Titan (This is a new anime that is only five episodes in but it is so well done will have you hooked within the first one and having you craving for more.)

Sword Art Online (It is an anime show with only 25 episodes (atm) it is beautiful, gripping, believable and fast paced. I thought I'd hate it at first but I fell in love with the story and the characters so it is worth a shot.)

BBC documentaries (I love history so when I stumbled upon these well informed yet entertaining shows I fell in love. I know history bores most people but I find it fascinating and the British seem to understand this because of the ones I've watched got me hooked. I suggest the history of the bathroom, kitchen and living room also Turn back Time: the family trust me these are awesome!)

Historical Dramas ( As I stated I love history so shows based on history I tend to enjoy even if they are a bastardization of the thing they represent. I'm currently into The Borgia's and Da Vinci's Demons both are well done and are enjoyable except they can be a tad porny at times so beware. Also if intrested go with Da Vinci's Demons since it is still in its first season while The Borgia's is in its third.)

Downton Abby ( It is a historical drama but instead of bastardizing history it embraces it completely, they even haves historians on the payroll telling them what to do from the characters to the silverware. It is about British servants and there masters from just before world war one to the middle of the roaring 20's (atm) and though it can drag on because it is about daily life in that time period you just get invested in the characters and their lives, you start to feel like part of the family.
It is three seasons in set up for a forth. Also I haven't cried that hard at a tv show in forever so just be prepared.

Game of Thrones (Just friggin epic also they have Peter Dinklage enough said)

Merlin (It is a wonderful re-imagination of the classic tale. They made it a gripping tale with wonderful actors who make you feel for the world and the people in it. Sadly this is the last season for the show but I am happy that we have had them for as long as we have and I will be choked up when they take their final bow.)

Warehouse 13 (I have loved this since it started and though it has been rough at times it is still a very interesting story. I love the characters and the artifacts they come across, also it appeals to my nerdy side.)

So sorry to everyone ahead of time....

Here I go...........

I play in a Dungeons and Dragons/Pathfinder game once a week with four guys (all way older then me and who have been into the game for a long time) and the GM (who is also my husband)
So that is five guys and one girl  meeting up once a week in a basement to slay invisible monsters and run around an imaginary world for fun and stress release.

Our GM has been making his own world and messing with the rules so his world is a point based world with no classes so your wizard can wield a sword if he wants and such. Every step of the way he has consulted the players and taken what we say into account and sometimes lets us vote if we want to keep something he thinks is broken.
Now he has been getting a lot of arguing  from two of our players because they are meta-gamers (people who seek to make their characters the most powerful) because he is trying to make it equal for all of us. This doesn't bother me he can handle those two though I feel bad because he puts so much time and effort into this only to be met with opposition.

Well anyways I get a lot of flak for being the newest player at the game (I've not sat down and memorized the all the books in my spare time like these gentlemen) I also get some guff for being the only girl in the group but I take this with a grain of salt because nothing they say is hurtful just harmless ribbing which we all do. And no one says I get special treatment being the GM's wife because I don't, he will kill my character the same as the others.

Our party atm is: A drow, basically an underdark gnome who is our rouge, a priest of the harvest who is the other meta-gamer, a battle maiden dwarf and a priest of magic sent with us to ensure his master gets what he hired us to retrieve.

In the world magic is aloud but is strictly controlled and the world is super religious. Harming a priest could be a death sentence. In this world they have gladiators and slaves. We all (except the priest of magic) are slaves who have been trained to be gladiators but suck at it so have been rented out to do the bidding of this Father of the church of magic.

In the last game a vote went on about a feat that the GM said he didn't like because it was particularly powerful and we decided to dumb it down and that settled things. Except the priest of the harvest's owner gave a replay to what we said about the feat that got tweaked which was along the lines of "I have an IQ of 200 so I know this is right" to which the GM and our rouges owner ribbed him saying "Just because your IQ's that high doesn't mean your right"

All harmless ribbing in my opinion since the dude opened himself up to commentary. We are a bunch of gamers/friends who know each other in our real lives so we all get along usually and know we like to tease each other.

Well the session goes on and it turns out we decide to just give the bad guy stuff back so our rouge doesn't get his head blown off. Well priest of the harvest had an issue with an evil guy getting these items and rightly so. My character decides that priest will never agree and he needs to be unaccountable for our actions so she tackles him and with the help of the priest of the church of magic (he has no issue since we completed the task his master wanted done) pins him down and ties him up. Then we deal with the bad guy come back grab the loot and head off to finish our mission, of course letting the priest out of his bonds.

In the church quarter of the city we give back the stuff to the Father split ways with the priest of magic and do our thing. Harvest priest goes to his church, rouge to his and the rest just mingle along. We later learn the priest of the harvest told his church EVERYTHING which he wasn't supposed to do because that was part of the contract. We can't do anything now so we will deal with that when it comes to bite us in the ass and go home. That is where we left off.


Alright now the guy who runs the priest of the harvest is saying he told his church that the rouge attacked him which he didn't he wasn't involved in that scuffle! Again this ruffling up the priest is a serious crime in the world even though the guys a slave he still is a priest so that means our rouge could die! The guy who is miffed at that little comment is bringing real life drama into the game which pisses me off because we play to get away from our normal lives!!!

I cleared things up a bit by telling our GM that my character and the priest of magic where the only ones involved so he is now handling the guy and figuring out what to do.

But seriously we all get ribbed it is part of the friendship we all share and just because your mad don't take it out in the game! Ugh! I'm the girl in the game and yet I don't cause any of the drama!!!!

Well needless to say I am angry because the game shouldn't complicate real life and real life shouldn't complicate the game! That is rule number one!!!!!

I am done ranting I have calmed down a bit thanks to writing this and the fact that my husband and the guy are hashing it out in the basement so maybe he will drop this issue and we can just play for fun again.


Well I hope your well my friends and I am sorry for such a rant journal

I can't believe it has been five years since my father passed away........

I can still hear him laughing, talking and smiling like he did the worst is when I forget and try to call him to tell him about my day.
I know he's gone nothing will change that but I wish I had one more day so I could tell him I love him.

It has been a hard five years without him around.....
My brother flew off the handle and turned to drugs to cope, ran away so the family can't intervene  but there isn't anything anyone can do. My gma hasn't been herself and her health hasn't been good. It has been just one thing after another and very trying but I have some great people who surround me and give me strength.

Thank you all!

In those five years I've had several events that a girl wants her father
our engagement, opening up our own small business, our wedding, buying our first house

Thankfully he met his future son-in-law before passing so that is a small miracle but I think him not being there to walk me down the isle is the thing that hurts the most out of those five years......

I hope he is proud of the person I am today.
I hope he can see that I am happy in my life and that everything he taught me hasn't gone to waste.
I hope he knows that he is greatly loved and missed.

I just want you here dad, I miss you and I love you
But I know that can never be so I hope you are happy wherever you are


Now if the internet will excuse me I am going to curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep.......